|Tuesday, August 30th, 2016|
1:23 am - Wow... eleven years later. So many memories.
|Sunday, December 26th, 2004|
I'm so hopelessly depressed, right now. Why? you may ask. Well.. i've been trying to get to sleep for the last several hours and I just can't because when i'm dozing off I hear voices whispering in my ears just as i'm about to fall asleep, and it startles me awake. I'm shaking, i'm not sure exactly what is wrong with me but i'm going to self diagnose and say it's schizophrenia. I've been reading up on it online lately quite a lot and everything just seems to fit. I've been thinking about going to talk to a psychiatrist or a doctor at least but i'm too afraid of them, and I know that whatever they will put me on won't help, it'll just make me empty and blank all the time. Or moreso than I already am. I'm so fucking scared. I feel so thin.. drawn out.. no energy, no motivation to do anything at all but lie and stare at the wall, really. Just one of those moods I rarely get when I feel like taking some of my pain out on here, I guess.. heh. All I know is that i've got to do something about this shit before it kills me because two days ago I was so fucking close to slashing my wrists. I bought a bottle of Coca Cola, smashed it and sat on a bench in a park near my house holding a shard of glass against my wrist for a little over two hours. I could'nt manage to do it... so frustrating. I did fifteen cuts along the top of my wrist and up my forearm, instead.. this is on my right arm. They hurt so much, I cut myself quite deeply. I'm not sure why I did it, maybe it was just in pure frustration and anger at myself, my frustration at my current inability to do anything to improve the way i'm feeling about myself at the moment. Everything just seems so distant.. i'm fading away. I'm living with a friend of mine at the moment, her name is Emma and she's around the same age as me. She's a lesbian, and this is probably the reason why we get along so well together, we've got such a close, open, honest, non-threatening relationship. Yesterday, Christmas Day, I went with her for a walk along a beach just out of the city of Dunedin where we live. I was having a nice time to begin with, but to get down onto it, a rather steep sandbank needs to be descended and on the way climbing back up it after our walk along the beach I felt so dizzy, I almost collapsed. Even the most simple of physical tasks exhaust me beyond belief, i've got no energy for anything since I can't sleep. I feel so claustrophobic lying down inside all day, feel like the walls are squashing me in, yet when I go outside, I panic. I can't manage to cope being around a lot of people lately, at all. It just frightens me so badly, i'm utterly paranoid. I'm tired of living like this, feeling so messed up all the time. I'm so scared. Scared that soon i'm going to succeed in killing myself, because I can't control my mood swings. Like I said before, I was quite happy earlier yesterday while walking along the beach with Emma, but when she is away from me and I am alone, I can't stand having only my own thoughts as company, because they are always about depressing things. I've thought about suicide a lot lately. Thought about how I was going to slash my wrists. I can't do it that way, i'm too weak. I could easily walk down to the 24 hour dairy near my house and buy $50 of non-prescription painkillers, they'd kill me twice over. It's just too easy to succeed with that, do I really want to do it? I'm not sure, I feel that I do but i'm too afraid of hurting Emma, who is basically the only person I care about that's here for me at the moment. I love her so much, she doesn't realise how deep my feelings for her go. I've told her about my suicidal thoughts and she says that she's happy that she's here for me, but can't handle this shit on her own. She wants me to see a psychologist, but I just can't. I think that i'm going to have to continue on living my life in this way until eventually my pain finally exceeds all of my ability to cope. I don't want to hurt Emma, the very thought puts tears in my eyes right now, but if I get much worse than this, I won't be able to hang on any longer. I'll walk down to that dairy, swallow a bunch of pills and die. I really don't want to have to do it, but i'm being forced in that direction by the mental breakdown that I feel is getting closer and closer every waking hour. Shit, i'm horrified.|
I hope that I live to write here again, I really do adore this journal.
I'm going to be as strong as I can manage, which isn't very. I'll try and find ways to cope. I want to live, but only for Emma because I just can't hurt her in that way.
Take care, love you all.
current mood: depressed
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|Monday, November 29th, 2004|
10:34 pm - Wow.
Hey all, sorry that I haven't been around lately! I love you, don't ever forget it. Today's been a wonderful day, i've just found out that one of my friends who I basically grew up with is a lesbian. It's blown me away, totally out of nowhere. And before I really truly figured I was gay I used to be in love with her.. well I kinda knew I was gay back then but not fully, yea.. she knew she was a lesbian then. So it's really confusing. Fucked up! but I love it.|
More to come.
Don't hound me lol.
Love you all, take care *hugs* :)
current mood: ecstatic
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|Tuesday, June 3rd, 2003|
Some random quiz thingy
Name: Mark "Date Rape" Thompson
-- Birth date: 24/02/84
-- Birthplace: New Zealand and proud of it. :)
-- Current Location: in front of this damn computer AGAIN.. owaka, south otago, new zealand.
-- Eye Color: hazel
-- Hair Color: naturally very dark brown, but black and blue with slight streaks of red at the moment. i am obsessed with my hair, even though it is rather short now. :P
-- Height: 5'10 i THINK.
-- Righty or Lefty: left.
-- Zodiac Sign: pisces. i hate fish, lol
-- Your heritage: well... originally english/scottish.
-- The shoes you wore today: none. i don't wear shoes much of the time. i walk around streets and on roads barefoot. :P
-- Your weakness: hmm. being told things that i really dont want to think about. like being a "fucking homo".. lol. hmm. et cetera, i am sure you can imagine.
-- Your fears: being alone.. heh.
-- Your perfect pizza: anything is good, i guess.
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: be happy, in a long term relationship with someone really nice who loves me as much as i them. that is all. :\
-- Your most overused phrase: fuck up
-- Your thoughts first waking up: oh fuck. i wont be able to get back to sleep i bet. FUCK FUCK. etc.. lol.
-- Your best physical feature: LOL um.. my eyes? smile? my chest, arms, legs, ass even? yeah sure, my ass LOL
-- Your bedtime: any fucking time i please, thankyou.
-- Your most missed memory: how happy i was when i was 3-5 years old. i taught myself to read.. and all that is all i ever did. when i turned 5, i went to school and could read and write reasonable well, lol.. i love reading. :P
-- Smoke: hmm. on occasion, yeah..
-- Cuss: yes, a LOT.
-- Sing: yeah sometimes. i can sing rather well sometimes.
-- Take a shower everyday: yeah. depends on what ive been doing during the day though ;)
-- Have a crush: LOL actually yeah. i do. this girl emma ive known like forever, we went straight through school together, she's really nice. i miss her a lot.
-- Do you think you've been in love: yeah. fuck it.
-- Want to go to college: yeah maybe.
-- Like(d) high school: no. it was utterly horrible.
-- Want to get married: yes. to the right person.
-- Believe in yourself: hardly ever. no.
-- Get motion sickness: never.
-- Think you're attractive: lol... secretly, yes. i am VERY vain. :P
-- Think you're a health freak: yeah, kinda... sometimes. very occasionally hehe
-- Get along with your parent(s): nah. not really.
-- Like thunderstorms: I ADORE THEM!
-- Play an instrument: LOL HELL YEAH bass guitar, guitar, and also clarinet, flute and drums to a reasonable standard.
In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: fuck yeah.
-- Smoked: yeah..
-- Done a drug: duh. of course.
-- Had Sex: yep.
-- Made Out: YES.
-- Gone on a date: KIND OF DAMN QUESTIONS
-- Gone to the mall?: NO MALLS BITE.
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: nah i hate them.
-- Eaten sushi: yeah.
-- Been on stage: nope.
-- Been dumped: hmm.
-- Gone skating: actually, yes. skateboarding i presume? :P
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: yeah, sure.. many times :D
-- If so, was it mixed company: nah. lol
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: MANY MANY TIMES.
-- Been caught "doing something": yeah :P
-- Been called a tease: a lot.
-- Gotten beaten up: too many times, yea..
-- Shoplifted: too many times also, been caught twice, maybe got away with it a couple hundred times *rolls eyes*
-- Changed who you were to fit in: never.
-- Age you hope to be married: 25.... realistically by the time i die. heh :(
-- Numbers and Names of Children: no idea on numbers but male: coran, kivan, girl: jade, emerald, etc. i like sparkly things. especially my kitty, lol
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: naked on a beach at sunset. ;)
-- How do you want to die: youthanasia. likely that.
-- Where you want to go to college: no idea.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: i never want to grow up. ;)
In a guy/girl..
-- Best eye color? blue/green/something dark and mysterious maybe?
-- Best hair color? DARK.. um. dark brown or black.
-- Short or long hair: male short, female long :P
-- Height: both a little shorter than me.
-- Best thing to wear: nothing at all of course. ;)
-- Best first date location: anywhere decent.
-- Best first kiss location: between the legs, LOL.
-- # of drugs taken illegally: too many. FAR TOO MANY.
-- # of people I could trust with my life: several. i don't really know.
-- # of CDs that I own: many. several hundred all up i guess.
-- # of piercings: none. ugh.
-- # of tattoos: four as of yet.
-- # of scars on my body: many on my arms and legs. some light, a few quite deep heh.
-- # of things in my past that I regret: oh fuck, too many to list.
oh well, i was bored and couldn't be bothered organising my thoughts as of this moment heh.
love u all. *hugs gwyn* i've got "stuff" to do, i will post more later. ;)
current mood: cheerful
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|Thursday, May 22nd, 2003|
Well. What have I been up to lately? Not much, really. Four or five days ago I got beaten up by four (I think) drunk guys. "Get the homo!" they said, before breaking my nose, giving me two black eyes, and doing some fairly severe damage to my ribs. Afterwards, I more or less dragged myself home, took a couple of valium, slipped into bed and slept for 20-odd hours. And that's what i've been doing lately, really.. sleeping. And reading. I've read The Shining, Salem's Lot, Misery and It by Stephen King, Dragonflight and The Dragonriders Of Pern by Anne McCaffrey, and Conclave Of Shadows: Talon Of The Silver Hawk by Raymond E. Feist. It's about all I can do.. lie in bed, and read.. breathing shallowly to avoid the pain in my chest. I've got a terrible cold, as well.. anyone know what it's like sneezing with a broken nose? It's absolutely fucking excruciating. Other than that, I haven't been doing much at all. I haven't really been able to. Kinda awkward sitting here online.. I have to keep my back STRAIGHT cause my chest hurts like a motherfucker, and i'm so fucking tired, but I guess I have to let you know what's going on in my life, don't want anyone worrying about me. :\ I haven't been cutting, throwing up, or the like. I've been eating a bit lately, too. I'm feeling a little better, physically... aside from what i've already talked about, that is. heh. My parents and brothers all know i'm bi, now, too. They don't talk to me about it, at all.. but I can feel cold glances directed at the back of my neck sometimes. And they are all rather edgy around me, like watching what they say, trying not to.. (for example) refer to Justin Timberlake (or whatever his name is?) as "that fucking queer cunt" while watching music videos on television. And et cetera. I'm sure you get the picture. They HATE me being bi, no doubt about it. But it doesn't really worry me all that much, fuck em, you know? FUCK THEM. |
Also, I watched Matrix Reloaded yesterday, it is a great movie. Keanu is SO FUCKING HOT, I want him so bad. Though he is far sexier in Point Break, which I have been watching obsessively lately. Great movie, all the greater because he is frequently topless. Oh, I can dream. *pauses DVD and stares at Keanu's ass*
Well. I'm about LJ'ed out now, might watch Point Break some more. Did I mention that Keanu has a really hot ass? Yes, I think I did.
Oh, also... Keanu's ass is damn hot.
I already said that? Oh. I can say it as many times as I want, damnit!
*fantasises about Keanu*
current mood: flirty
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Anyone want to join my mass-suicide cult?|
life is shit, life is shit, take a gun and shoot yourself in the head!!
current mood: crushed
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|Monday, May 12th, 2003|
Yes, I am still alive. |
I'm just.. very, very tired of life in general. I'll try to update my LJ more over the next few days.
current mood: blah
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|Sunday, April 20th, 2003|
My mother and father somehow found my journal, and are very VERY angry at me. They KNOW EVERYTHING.|
:( :( :(
current mood: depressed
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